Ruinations.

In this dream, I have suddenly and finally decided--without any deciding when it comes right down to it--just to embrace him and be done with it, and to my great surprise, he is thrilled and everything is as lovely as lovely can be. Until someone turns up to give me the paperwork that I will need to figure out a way to complete in order to prove that I am Jewish. She is confident that I will be able to initiate and successfully complete this very necessary process. She is friendly about it, and yet I know that there will be no messing about with this woman, or this process, or this culture. And then I turn out to have a cancer in my left breast, not so far from my heart.

All day I find myself wondering whether I should tell anyone in particular about this dream. It would seem to be an unwise course of action. To my mind, so many things seem to be going unsaid, in these last days, and yet to try to start saying them would be to risk finding that it's only in my own mind that all these shadow conversations and unplayed scenarios happen.

It turns out that the internet will, in fact, be out all weekend, leaving us to lament both our disconnection from the web and the very fact that that disconnect feels so utterly lamentable. Disconnects are lamentable, to be sure. But this one, just as surely, is not.